Silouttes of a man walking toward a woman who seems upset with sunset behind them


Most of us have experienced having someone try to control our lives and decisions for us.Unless we are extremely emotionally and spiritually unhealthy, we did not enjoy the experience.

Some of us have tried to control other people’s lives and decisions, too.(咳嗽。像我这样的。对于超过14年我们的婚姻。)

In marriage, what one spouse does affects the other.And we can certainly have discussions, collaboration, and input into each other’s lives.


Even if I am in a position of God-given spiritual leadership (like a mother, a boss, or a Sunday School teacher) I don’t get to control others and govern their free-will.I can lead them.I can set a godly example.I can teach.As a mom, I can discipline wisely.


Why do we try to control others?

Why do some of us not understand that each adult has free-will from God to decide things like their spiritual beliefs, priorities, attitude, dietary choices, hobbies, career choices, parenting style, personality type, and other personal decisions?

Often, we developed扭曲的观点of God, self, and others in childhood that have never been corrected.Sometimes, this happens because the adults who should have taken care of us were irresponsible, absent, or addicts.Other times, we thought we had to be overly responsible for our siblings or other people because of something traumatic that happened or we misunderstood theology.

We are often blind to our control.All we can see is our woundedness, anxiety, exhaustion, and pain.We think if we have control, we can avoid more pain.


We expect others to make us happy and whole, to fill us up and meet the deepest needs of our souls that really only Jesus can meet.We can’t see any other perspective.

A Peek into a Controller’s Mind


They think if they stop trying to manage everyone and everything, their world and everything they love will collapse into a ruinous heap of rubble.

试图控制人员的问题n to give up control is that those who try to control others are generally deceived.


  • 你不应该试图控制人。
  • 你担心太多了。
  • 您正在耗尽自己试图进行这一切的情感重量。

They usually believe that it is their God-given responsibility and duty to try to make other people’s decisions for them to love and protect them.I believed this!There are deep-rooted core beliefs in error here that need to be addressed.

They have taken on some of God’s authority or other people’s authority that doesn’t rightly belong to them but they probably don’t see where the boundary lines are.It is actually exhausting and miserable to live this way.We weren’t designed to carry that kind of weight.

When other people tell them to stop controlling or stop worrying, they hear, “You need to stop loving me,” and that doesn’t make any sense.They hear, “You need to give up your God-given responsibilities,” and they know that can’t be right.They know they are supposed to love other people and that they are supposed to take care of their responsibilities.

The people who confront them are clearly wrong, in their minds.The controllers are still thinking with the old sinful nature with self on the throne and pride at the helm, not the new nature available to them in Christ.


A Controller Expects to Be Idolized

Unfortunately, controlling spouses believe (consciously or unconsciously) they should be idolized and others should submit to their will, rather than to God’s.They have self on the throne of their hearts and idolize themselves and they expect others to do the same.

They probably wouldn’t say this or admit it even to themselves.But this is what they actually believe deep down.I did this.I would never have consciously admitted it.But I did expect everyone to do what I wanted all the time.I thought I was always right.I thought people should defer to me.Whew!It was a lot of pride!


For a controller to give up control creates a LOT of anxiety and fear, maybe also anger.They believe their world will fall apart if they are not orchestrating and overseeing everything.They believe their loved ones will be unprotected and in danger.It is as if someone is asking them to stop being God and to step down from the throne.


They don’t yet understand God’s sovereignty and have a small picture of God’s power and a huge picture of themselves and their responsibilities.

They don’t understand that God gave each person free-will and that God, Himself, honors our free-will.They can’t see yet that people don’t have the right to try to commandeer other people’s responsibilities before God.

There Is Hope!Controllers Can Find Freedom and Healing in Christ!

Ultimately, only the Holy Spirit can open our blind eyes to these important truths.

  • 只有上帝是神。
  • 我不是神。差远了。
  • 所有的人都有上帝赋予的自由意志。每个人负责的生活他/她自己的选择。
  • 如果我下台离开宝座,并高举主神的事情不会落空。其实,这是对我的医治的第一步。

It takes lots of courage, solid teaching, the power of the Holy Spirit, and humility for someone to be able to see their error and to allow God to help them tear out all their old toxic thinking and rebuild their lives completely on God’s wisdom and His Word.

We recognize the insane amount of pride we have in our hearts that we demand to be treated as equal to or above God.We recognize that this was Satan’s sin and it was his temptation to Eve, as well.That same old playbook still works on us.

We humble ourselves before God and admit that we are wretched sinners and that in us, there is nothing good.Only God is good.Our wisdom is worthless.Our efforts are destructive.Our attempts to love are toxic.We need God’s help desperately!


We put our老自死与耶稣每天在十字架上。We receive our position in Him as dead to self and dead to this world and sin.We choose to deny ourselves, our pride, our wisdom, and our will.We yield completely to the Lordship of Jesus.

We allow Him to shine the blazing light and truth of His Word into the darkest corners of our hearts and minds and we allow Him to get rid of all the poison and replace it all with His abundant Life.

We allow His Spirit to flow into us so that no matter what anyone else may do, we respond with His Spirit of仁爱,喜乐,和平,忍耐,恩慈,良善,温柔,忠诚,和自我控制。(加。5:22-23)


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精神权威Class Notes – by a minister at my church, Harold Weaver

The ABC’s of Salvation

A =承认你是个罪人and you can’t be perfect and holy enough in God’s eyes to be right with Him on your own.Turn away from your sin.“对于所有犯了罪,亏缺了神的荣耀。” Rom.3:23

B =相信耶稣代表你死了to pay the price for your sin and to give you a way to be right with God – to be forgiven.“罪的工价乃是死,惟有神的恩赐,在基督耶稣,我们的主永恒的生命。” Rom.6:23

C =坦白你的嘴耶稣是你的主– this means, Jesus is now your Master and you live your life for Him and His glory rather than for yourself from this moment on.You say it out loud to others and you live it every day.“如果你与你的嘴承认,‘耶稣是主’,并相信在您的心脏,上帝提出了从死他,你将被保存。对于你的心脏,你相信和是有道理的,并与你的嘴承认,就可以得救。” Rom.10:9-10

主权救恩– by Got Questions

30 thoughts to “What Is Going on in a Controlling Person’s Head?”

  1. 四月嗨,





    1. 尼克,

      我认为这是对我们这些重要的谁与控制和我们这些谁爱的人谁与这场斗争,了解一些根本问题的斗争。I know people would try to tell me surface kinds of things for years, and I just couldn’t receive what they were saying because of the skewed understanding and how I truly believed I was responsible before God to make sure people did what I thought they were supposed to do.对我来说,只是停止试图控制将意味着,在我的潜意识,我恨他们,是为在主面前不负责任。









      1. 尼克,

        这是一篇阿布t how acouple handled a controlling mother as a team.

        Ladies can also search my site for things like:
        – conflict
        – people pleasing
        – critical husband
        – harsh husband
        – resources for wives with angry husbands
        – command man

        Also, Leslie Vernick’s site has free resources for dealing with emotionally toxic people.I like her resources especially for non-marriage relationships.喜欢 extended family, coworkers, friends, etc…

        How to Interact with a Destructive Person
        How to Handle Toxic and Critical People

  2. 四月优秀。你的主题,你解压的方式把握是一个真正的礼物。这是理解人类生存条件之间的良好平衡 - 在我们心中的黑暗 - 然后把该进神的话语的光,并以神自己 - 轻轻地,没有羞辱和谴责的罪人 - 谁觉得够糟的了,因为它是!无论是道貌岸然也不通俗心理学!干得好姐妹 - 保持良好的工作

    1. 玛莎男,






    1. 沃利Kokavec,















        1. Sounds good.I respect your stance on not counselling another man, husband.That is biblical yes.Enjoy some of your insights!
          God bless

          1. 沃利Kokavec,

            You are not alone.I’m trusting God’s promises for you and your girls.The enemy wants to steal, kill, and destroy.But Jesus is ready to help you.

            Praying you will be greatly encouraged and strengthened for the spiritual battle.The real enemy is not a person, but the enemy of our souls.
            Thankfully, your family has a man who is willing to pray and seek Christ first and stand in the gap.

            You are a son of the Most High God.You have access toall of the riches and blessings of Christ.You are dearly beloved.
            God has given you to be the leader and protector of your home.With Jesus, you can do this.He will prepare and equip you.He will give you the wisdom and words and approach to use.He will flood your heart, mind, and soul with His love and His perspective for His beloved daughters.He will help you not grow weary.And He can open blinded eyes.We will trust Him together to do this for His glory.

            “Be strong and courageous.Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

            “They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
            they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
            they shall run and not be weary;
            they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

            I am cheering for you!Don’t let the enemy’s lies discourage you.Stand firm in God’s Word andwho He says you are in Jesus.

            1. Thankyou for your encouragement and prayers.Our pastors are visiting us today to set some ground rules as the negativity has become a habit so trust, healing and unity can occur again and most of all love.有时我们进入一个结,因为圣发情ress and pressures even change.However, I do not believe in dropping our standards and values in the seasons of life.

              1. 沃利Kokavec,
                That sounds like a good plan.Sometimes we need some outside assistance.Praying for God’s wisdom and Spirit to be at work in each of you today that the marriage relationship might be healed and honoring to the Lord and that you might work together as a team with the Lord to love and reach your daughters His way.

          1. I decided I needed to lay a bit more foundation about how to recognize control then next week I plan to share a post about unhealthy ways people can respond to a controlling spouse or person and a post about healthy ways.❤️

    1. 克里斯蒂娜试金石,


  3. 这是很难忍受的控股人专门你的配偶。我后悔控制我的丈夫之后,现在,他告诉我,我不尊重他,甚至一次(因为他认为提交是我必须服从他),他认为自己是上帝对我这样,如果我打破他的一个“戒律”我打断他的一切法律......这是很难听,我不尊重他在所有的,但上帝的和平应通过任何理解,如果我依靠上帝。当我伸出恩,就这样更容易原谅...。


    1. 雪莉




  4. 我处理我的母亲谁是有暂时与我们的生活,是一个控制狂。我曾尝试设定一些界限以及如何愚蠢的是,我的期望,她会尊重他们。她居然不能,她是在基督里新造的人,并让去控制的。


    我斥责下跌对聋子的耳朵,因为对于她的行为是完全无毒无悲。不过,我非常感激我的丈夫和我在我们的婚姻有和平与和谐,我能度过这次难关的唯一方法一起工作是知道我们的例子中可以提供一个环境,这将有助于她了解什么是健康的 relationship really is one day.

    1. jeannieremyministries,






      1. It is my mother btw.❤️ My husband has been having just as hard of a time with this and we have both been in agreement that spending limited time with her is the only way to survive and knowing in our spirit when we’ve had enough time together with her is key not to become drained.Also, removing ourselves from her and going into a private room with the door locked as a safety net.Sounds crazy, but if I don’t shut the door and lock it, she will just keep looking for attention.Her incessant talking is a way for her to stay in control of everyone.My husband and I decided that to love her, is not to support her bad habits.It is a hard call because most everything out of her mouth is from the wrong spirit.So we need not pick this battle with her.Through all of this, however, my husband and I have been there for one another when we are feeling overwhelmed or just outright annoyed, which is not a godly trait, but we are doing our best.I am so grateful for my husband’s patience and tolerance for my mother.Most husbands would never go for this disruption in their house, so it is a blessing to be able to help her.❤️

        1. jeannieremyministries,

          Yikes!How did I miss that?I think I need new computer glasses.

          It is extra challenging in a situation like that, for sure.Praying for wisdom for you both.

          Here is a post that may be a blessing from one of my readers a few years agoabout this issue.


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